1.Headline: WHS students represent in Honor Band
Original Lead: Sophomore Daniel Brown and juniors Allen Liu and Kevin Luo
were selected to be part of Fremont Unified School District’s honor band.
Weaknesses: does not answer when, where, why. Lacks information and is not precise., passive
New lead: On (date), Fremont Unified School District’s honor band selected sophomore Daniel Brown and juniors Allen Liu and Kevin Luo be part of the honor band for being…(reason)
Strengths: precise, answers who, what, when, and why.
2. Headline: NUMMI closure affects student and family
Original lead: The closure of the Fremont NUMMI Plant affects WHS students.
Weaknesses: states the obvious, is not specific, when?why?how?who?
New Lead: The closure of the Fremont NUMMI Plant on (date) affects (so and so) by..
Strengths: answers who?what?where?how?why?when? is more specific
3. Headline: AC Transit asks, “paper or plastic?”
Original lead: AC Transit is in the process of transitioning all its paper passes to the TransLink Card.
Weaknesses: could use more info
New lead: On (date), AC Transit is doing (this and that) to transition all its paper passes to the TransLink Card.
Strength: answers how they are in the process, answers when, why, who.
4. Headline: Chutney spices it up
Original lead: Chutney, a delicious new Pakistani and Indian restaurant, is located on 3352 Mowry Avenue.
Weaknesses: irrelevant to the main idea of the article, so what?
New lead: Chutney, a delicious new Pakistani and Indian restaurant, has a sleek atmosphere with Indian artwork around the restaurant.
Strength: since it is a review, it gives a taste of how the restaurant is like and what the article is going to be about.
